When did I start to feel like a grown up?

When did I start to feel like grown up?

1. When I realized, problems will always be there and will never go away.

imb_arkfqp
Problems pushing you to your limits.

Problems are like villains in a Disney movie EXCEPT they respawn every day; they always come back for revenge. When I was younger, I was never oblivious to what’s happening around me, my parents’ problems, or whatever was related to me; I was aware. I always thought that I only cause problems and if only I didn’t exist then maybe it was going to get better for them. Well, think AGAIN! Even when I started to be independent they always had problems. Then I realized you can never fix something that don’t need fixin’. Because problems are a part of the natural world. Once you get used to them being there and learn to keep your calmness, you will get used to the idea.

2.  When I started depending on myself more than I do on anyone.

img_5416



I have mentioned that I am an only child. It is both an advantage and disadvantage. When I was younger, I used to get whatever I wanted. I was a shut in: I had food delivery service so my meals could be on standby while I played my RPG game and found my next save point. I grew up dumb. Whenever I needed something to be done, like chores, I asked someone to do it for me in exchange for something. I was a princess, except when I started having a place on my own, my fairy tale story was somehow going backwards. It was difficult to be Cinderella. I felt disgusted with myself and blamed others for not knowing what I should know by now.  And these are the times, not only were for me but for everyone in general, to learn things on our own. It was a struggle for me but once I came to my senses and started Googling every simple thing I didn’t know, I was a prodigy. I used to blame people for not teaching me, but when I taught myself I felt independent. I could now do almost everything thanks to me. Tap yourself at your back if you’re the same!

3.  When you start developing your own perspective and hold on to it strongly.

Fuji Q 2016 090

This is the greatest thing that helped me the most. So, bare with my flashback as the screen switches to black and white. I was cyber bullied when I was in high school. People often judge me because I am different. And that’s also one general fact of life:  people will judge you just because you’re different. After those unfortunate incidents when I was younger, I was often conscious of the reason for their judgement. I was terrified of it. People judgements can define you so easily and other people find them believable. I did my best to be good, to be a model and perfect, but no, they still judged me for it whenever they had the chance. That is why, one of my strong beliefs is I don’t really care whatever  other people say about me. Don’t get me wrong, there is a difference between not caring and not listening. I listen, but often don’t care. I can adjust my perspective but will hardly ever change it. If I think I’m still doing right after listening to other people, I am still right. I don’t have the need to prove it to random people around me, just with people I have respect for.

I don’t know you, so I care for me before anybody else.  Well, except for my son which is first then, me.

4. There is no such thing as a perfect job.

IMG_1927

Hello life! there you are again initiating immensely difficult interactions! Sometimes you just can’t help but to make me realize that happiness is indeed up to me. I’ve many jobs before and as a young woman that is something I’m not proud of. One job to another, my resume looks like I find jobs as collectibles. I finally ended up with a job that I consider myself good at. I’m an english teacher right now and I can say I love it. But being in love with your job doesn’t mean you are always happy with it and you are living a carefree job. NO. Absolutely not. Every now and then, I have troubles and there were times I just wanted to give up. Just as I realized: loving your job means as much as loving your partner and when they just did something absurd and you have to forgive them over and over again. You have to be able to be flexible, giving and willing to have sacrifices for work. And if you are able to then you are in love with your job. And being in love with something means accepting the imperfections it might have.

5.  You are okay with being alone
img_5415


I dreaded being alone. I used to be one of those people that would look for someone to talk to or anything just to squelch the silence. I’m actually sometimes still the same. There is a big difference with being alone, being antisocial and being lonely and you don’t need the last two. As you grow up, you will little by little understand that being alone is healthy for you. This is a necessary time for you to actually start to understand, love and motivate yourself to betterment and whatever you need to do in your private time shh. I won’t tell.

I learned to separate my necessities from my desires. Being alone doesn’t just mean you aren’t physically with people but also disconnected from social media. Social media is a series of people talking, I don’t need that subconscious noise in my mind. I would rather hear my own noise when I sing with my guitar and listen to me sing terribly. Yep!

6.  WE NEVER REALLY GROW UP!

imb_oys9hk

In my whole existence, I always strived for broad understanding. As a grown up, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I mean really, what do you get from assuming the worse from people? stress? security? apprehensiveness? It only pollutes with your mind with negativity. But, you see, I thought everyone had a reason why they do things that which is uncalled for.  I was wrong. Sometimes, we just want to do some things because we are just childlike inside. Just like when we were kids, we used to throw tantrums because we couldn’t get that piece of candy but we didn’t care if there was a reason we couldn’t. That feeling never goes away, but instead of lying on the floor kicking and crying your snot away, we want to inflict retaliatory pain to others as punishment. When someone does that to you, just know that we are not culpable for what we don’t understand and we are not really adults when it comes to aspects of life we haven’t experienced before. We grow as we learn and life is all about learning.

Comment your thoughts below. When did you start feeling like a grown up?

You think nobody is there for you!? Think again, bitch!

Life is tough. I get it. Everybody knows it. But not everyone knows how to deal with new experiences. Family, love and money; these are just a fraction of the hurdles that you’ll encounter every day in your life.  Sounds tragic, huh?

I came from a complicated family: I’m an only child and growing up I always felt alone. As a matter of fact, that feeling never left me and imprinted on my identity. I used to think once you are born in a complicated life, it will always be complicated.  And on this sundae of life, there are always extra toppings. But it’s not similar with that luxurious feeling you get from toppings on your desserts at all. However, you will always have that “sweet aftertaste” from overcoming difficulties in life. It’s natural for us to look for somebody to be there, but that doesn’t mean someone will.

5 things that are always going to be there for you:

  1. Nature

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

We tend to rely on material possessions or a handsome boyfriend to make us happy. Yeah, it probably does make life a little bit better, but you have to look at the bigger picture! A lot of the great things in life are free. When I feel down and life is too toxic for me, I look for something that can overwhelm me with a greater possitive intensity. It’s nice to think that there is always something bigger and vaster that you have not yet explored. So next time you feel alone, go someplace with a nice scenery. It doesn’t have to be fancy or costly. Maybe a park or a rooftop and tell me if it made you feel better.

2. Self nurturing

imb_vojwli

Everybody has insecurities. That’s natural. It’s hard to be confident in yourself and even I  myself have struggled with this for a long time. But you can always start off with things you can do at the moment. Make yourself presentable, not for others but for you. You are the lead character in your life so only what you think of what you look like matters. If you are comfortable with it and you smell nice then that’s a start.

Look for the things that you are good at and enjoy doing. Maybe a sport, art, singing or dancing. Do it more often! Although there will be people that will be better than you, don’t you think that’s an advantage? Since you’ll find someone better, THAT means you have an example on how to improve. And maybe you’ll get better than them. Try it out and tell me how it goes.

3. Love of living things

imb_obnazp

Sometimes animals are more humane than us: they love, care, appreciate and work hard. They just live life. Have you ever found any animal that commited suicide? I bet you haven’t. Sometimes it’s good to learn a thing or two from them.  Get a pet, or a plant. I’ve sought their company and I know they will give you more than enough and it will make you feel better. Even just watching them do adorable and dumb things gives you solace from allowing yourself to spiral in indefinite melancholy to Hades.

I find watching other living things live their lives baffling. They go on with their lives and they are not demanding at all: they give and take. Unlike us, we usually only take things for granted. We are the top of the food chain but yet, sometimes, we are the bottom of the living cycle.

4. Music

Okay, this should be a given. This is so obvious! Who doesn’t listen to music?! Wait, what?! Music doesn’t console you? I bet you are listening to songs that only hit rewind and replay your past over and over again, huh? Well, you are getting yourself stuck in a loop.


imb_gkkqg6

When I say music, I mean listen to things that will move you to a better headspace, or make you groove; not songs about being heart broken and stuff like that. Dance to it, sing with it with all your might and use music as a release. Sometimes it is hard to avoid some  music that your life situation relates to, but if you really want to feel better you will need to learn how.

5. You

snapseed-5

This is the hardest part to conquer. And this was the most difficult thing I learned and even up to now, it’s hard to admit that the only person who is going to be there forever for you is you. Life gets tougher and tougher and even if you have gazillions of friends and video games, the only person who is going to move that character is you. Stop looking for your prince/princess to save you from your despair. There is no such thing. You are your own hero and isn’t it rewarding once you get over whatever you are going through right now on your own without owing anybody anything? Just you, yourself and you. Solo ride until you die, because you got YOU for life. whoooohooo! As you realize this, and you want to make yourself feel better, go back to number 1 and start again.

Or send me a message!




Read More

My trip to the museum

Snapseed.jpg

The sheer size of this painting is breathtaking

“The universe is a stroke of a paintbrush” whispered the voice in my ear.   The art gallery gave me a phone so the artist could talk to me.  I came across the work of this Indian artist after going to a comic ex con in Tokyo. The marvelous work by this artist made me overthink about the nature of reality. Going to the comic con, I was full of childlike imagination, thinking about superheroes, their awesome back stories and how many lives they have saved up to now. Which is, by the way in real life, none. That being said; who doesn’t want to be a superhero? I know I do. I bought a Groot stuffed toy because of my love of his suicidal act- no, great sacrifice for his friends.

Share-icidal Groot with friends

After that I went to a fancy restaurant with a great view somewhere around the 53rd floor. All of the staff greeted me “IRASHAIMASEEEEE!! at the same time, in sync, in tune and with great enthusiasm only to make me feel out of place. I honestly don’t know why I feel like I am intruding when I go to fancy places. I didn’t  know how to react.  Still, I had fun.

Fancy human food, apparently

Then, I continued my adventure in the museum. I headed to the observatory deck which is on the 54th floor. Once I got out of that elevator my jaw dropped: the city of Tokyo unfurled right before my eyes. Amazing! Sugoi! Grabe! Choonchanchoo! In my mind, I thought maybe I should try jumping and I’ll probably end up learning how to fly, continue my superhero dream, meet Thor and have nice little demigod kids. Ridiculous! I wish it was that easy.  I still have to work tomorrow.

View from the observatory deck at the Mori art museum.

Being in high places brings me to a state of equanimity. It devours my being to realize how I am just the tiniest part of the Universe. I was suicidal when I was younger. I think being suicidal is also being an attention seeker. In some part of our suicidal thoughts, we wanted someone to take notice that we are hurting and we need help.  But I realized suicide is a lose-lose situation. You are just a tiny part of the Universe, you are just a reproductive cell amidst millions of others. A lot of them die, killed by a sheet of tissue paper and thrown into the trash bin and it doesn’t matter. Therefore, if you are suicidal, please calm down. Let’s talk later.

After being warned by a staff not to use my earphones on the observatory deck, since it’s “dangerous”, as I am sure has somehow been proven, I continued my great day heading to the N. S. Harsha exhibit.


Protect the bread brain!

Once I got there, they gave me a phone to contact N.S. Harsha and call him “Big Brother”.  Anyway, as I entered this illusory realm, I was overcome with ennui. I had never been in an art gallery before, never gasped, or was amazed and overwhelmed by the “ceramic coin” (which for some reason is what comes to mind when I think of museums). I hadn’t successfully analyze the meaning behind a painting with a million colors. All I know is, I can appreciate skill, perseverance and beauty.

Listening to Big brother’s voice while going through some of his work, I got to thinking of what I want to do. A lot of his pieces took a long time to finish and that thought transformed them from meaningless paintings to overpowering expressions that can make someone like me change their way of thinking. Then it hit me, on the forehead a little bit closer to my left eye: I want to do this too. I want to express my thoughts about life. I want to share experiences with the Universe and share the shared experiences to another possible sharer. I want to help people to be the better version of themselves by learning from hard-learned lessons. I want to allow people to tell their stories. I want them to not feel alone. I want to let people know that they have someone to talk to that will listen and would tell them what they need to hear. Basically, I want everyone to be in a single stroke of a paintbrush and like the Universe, shine beautifully. and with one huge painting, just like that, I might be able to be a superhero


“Good job at adulting” Ant Man cooed approvingly

Join my cause! Feeling alone? Tell me your story. Let’s chat maybe over drinks, tea and coffee. Send me an email. oneslifeexpress@gmail.com

%d bloggers like this: